My Journey, My Voice, My choice!

My life, issues, thoughts and voice

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


I just had the WEIRDEST experience ever!

I got home at about 6:30-ish, I went shopping for stuff for Alana’s birthday, finally met Brigit (spelling?) but that’s not the point!

Well, honestly I am totally unsure how to explain this, but, have you ever kinda been thinking something (as in, I care about this night coz of…) and then just realized that it’s not worth it? I dunno how to explain it, but I realized tonight that my ‘priorities’ are out of order? I dunno, James told me a while back to “stop running from my issues” n I kinda got mad at him saying that I wasn’t running, but… I dunno, can we be running without even realizing? Maybe subconsciously I was running, but using the running metaphor, I feel like I was running, I don’t know what from, I didn’t even realise I was running, and suddenly I tripped and fell flat on my face!

I guess, im unsure whether that’s a good thing, because now I know that I was running, I guess now I can turn and face them… I dunno if I want to, im so lost! But, then is it a bad thing in that I have just fallen and not even realised I was running? That’s kinda scary!

Hmm… yeah really confused, I asked in a previous blog whether we could wear a mask without realising it, I dunno, now I guess im asking, can we be running and not realise it until we trip? If not then can someone explain to me what has just happened?

So totally lost right now, its not like I don’t know to do, its just like I don’t know what happened, I woke up this morning thinking it was Tuesday, I even got books for Tuesday, I feel like I have lost a day, is that possible? I dunno… just dazed, I have had like a constant headache for the last 2 days, since Monday night… anys…

Explanation is NEEDED.. this is a situation where a clear answer is required, no extra question I the answer… see I knew a situation would come up!

Monday, August 28, 2006


Well, last night at bible study, A LOT of talking, A LOT of yelling (don’t mainly by me!), but a few REALLY good points came up, also (some by me… yes I sounded smart last night)

So… what were those points?

1. “Most questions, to be fully answered, need another question in the answer” I totally get that I do, I really do, BUT… I also think that some questions need an answer that doesn’t leave us thinking! I mean, its like math’s and Literature, Math’s, there are only set answers, right and wrong, no variations, but Lit, there are thousands of answers! THOUSANDS! I mean, there isn’t a right answer, and there isn’t a wrong answer, that’s always good! I am usually a Literature person, I hate having a set answer that I have to follow, BUT... like I said to Liam last night, I think that some questions don’t need a question in their answer… I mean, I have a few question’s that I want answered, but everyone I ask gives me another question to think about, which, more often than not drives me up the wall, people will comment, saying” That’s a really good point Talia” But, they never actually answer my question which is SO aggravating!

2. This might not be word for word but – “We are what we come from, suggesting that the earth is bad, thus us coming from the ground makes us bad” Something along those lines… My instant reaction was “YOUR WRONG!” and I said that, my explanation for that?
Well, using our parents as a metaphor like I did last night, say both your parents are bad as it’s said, does that mean you have to be bad? NO! It doesn’t, even if your parents do this and that, doesn’t mean you have to, it’s your choice! Your choose to do what you want. So then, even if the earth is bad, just because we come from the earth doesn’t mean that we have to be bad, we make that choice, we choose whether to sin, whether do be ‘bad’ as such… are you following?

Well, blogger keeps stuffing up on me, so i will post more later, maybe if i can b bothered, mum is yellin at me coz i have spent 2 much time on computer, AND i need 2 figure out this weekend, i have alana's birthday on friday night... SO COOL... cept i hav no idea wot 2 wear! THEN... Youth alive, absolutly awesomme, i was stoked before, but now nomes is going, finally get to meet this awesome chick!! Yeah so.. tell me wot u think of my 2 points... lol there was gunna b like 10 but i culdnt b bothered:)

Catch ya!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

ME time!

Why is it so hard to find thinking time, the lake at Dalyesford was BORING! But... i could think, i didnt know sarah took this foto but i really like it!
To me, represents, peace, calm, content, everything i have lost since that picture was taken! I guess, i kinda wish i could go back into time, back to this spot, and pause time, live there FOREVER, live in that peaceful, calm, gentle moment. That moment that seemed almost perfect!

So, thinking time, and why am i focused on this? Well, i guess i just realised how little time i take for ME! Not for my family, not for my friends, not for anyone but ME, i havent had a day that was mine in AGEZ! i mean, i guess i just realised, that no ME time, kind of turns into no GOD time, and well i realized today, mid sentence with Alana, my problem is, i havent been able to find time for god!

I have been doin exactly what the book of james says not to, i have been praying for something, but not honestly (in my heart) believeing that it will happen!

Well... this arvo, i realised, that a step i need to take, is to FIND time for me, and for god! It's not a cure to my problems, but i rekon it will cetrainly help me!

So yeah, just thought i would share that, i dunno why! It's like 11:56pm! i should be in bed alseep but i cant sleep! my head hurts, not enough sleep! (that makes sense! i am sore coz i havent slept, and so i stay awake? Weirdo!:P)


Just a quick question:

“Why do people know that something is SO wrong and yet they continue?

Meet, bob!

Bob knows what he is doing is wrong! Its SO obvious! Its repulsive...Yet he continues to do it! Why? People have told bob its wrong, they have told bob how he is destroying some-one emotionally! BUT bob doesnt care!

When will bob realize what his doing is SO wrong and stop?

Just a question... you prob dont know the answer! Wish i knew!!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Do you? Will you?

Okay so, this is for the people who are continually hurting me! SO sick of lies, so sick of gossip, so sick of trust betrayal! (No!!! im not talking about those @ church!!!) Just sick to death of those who hate me! Those who dont give a damn! so... i wrote this...

Why did you cause such pain?
Why did you cause all these tears?
Why did you cause such shame?
Why did you cause these fears?

Do you even regret?
Do you expect these wounds to heal?
Do you expect me to forget?
Do you expect me to be over the ordeal?

Will you ever think?
Will you ever see?
Will you ever even notice?
Will you see how you hurt me?

I like this picture... its done really well... even tho it is REALLY depressing!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Gods Plan

Okay I am sitting in English, & we start talking about “what it is to be a man?” can they cry? Do they have to be tough? Random I know but we are studying Macbeth (The WORST Shakespeare ever) Anys, We were talking about that and so I kinda zoned out, well not zoned out but put my music on, & thought... I dunno...

I thought about my life, about the point of my life, what is gods plan for me? Does he have one?

Well, I can’t deny that god has a plan, I cant! Although I can deny that I am clueless about it, I do not know why I am here, what is my point? What am I supposed to do? One small person? I see other people on earth, they know their basic plan, part of that plan, in their eyes and mine is to help me. (That sounded up myself), I don’t mean that their only reason is to help me, but in a sense... oh I dunno how to explain it! I’m not being up myself tho!

Anys, as I was thinking, something that I have spoken to people about before came up; I think Mel and Alana have heard me ramble on about this before...

BUT... As I see it, god has brought me through a few *near death* experiences, both physically and emotionally, and well I guess my question is: WHY? Why am I on earth? Why did god want me here? He must have a reason or I wouldn’t still be here, the only problem is... I can’t see it, and as I said to Mel, and Nomes, I HATE SUPRISES! With a vengeance, I just want to know - NOW!

Well Saz told me that she only found out recently, and she is 19 (I think...) does that mean I have three years longer, possibly more? Will I ever know what gods plan is for me?

Okay, one more thing, kinda straying from the point, not too far tho...

Well, about a week ago, it was like 12:00am, and I was talking to Saz, through messages, I don’t remember what I said, but she said that as she was typing a message to me, she saw god, right there, with me!

Well... it sounds depressing, but... My answer to that was:
“What use is that? You can see God in my life, but I can’t! What the?” Maybe not word for word, but that’s the gist of it.

So yeah...again, I have no idea where I am leading with this, juts rambling on, I guess I am still just so darn confused, overwhelmed, uncertain, dazed, lost, I dunno what you’d call it... But that’s how scrambled my mind is, I cant think straight anymore!

Ow well... What do you think?
Do you know gods plan for you? If & when did u find out?

Monday, August 21, 2006

No idea - Untitled...

"life is soooo worth it...its just sometime we lose that hope amongest all the crap that covers it away. Your life may be a mess but its worth sorting out. You have to make huge sacrifices but u know God's in control,God's hope for our lives is the achor of our soul that secretes deep into the anterior, underlying the curtains that shade despair."

A really good friend sent this to me yesterday, she told me to believ it, and if i didnt to re read it over and over untill i did, whenever i got low, read it!

Well... i dunno y, but everyone keeps asking how i am, online, and i honestly cant answer, its a 'meh' or a 'i dunno' or a skip to the next question...

I dunno anymore, its kinda like, (sounds extreme - prob is) i have lost intrest, i dont know y... i just seem to not b bothered doing ANYTHING... no school, youth group, church, bible study, any of it... its not that i dont want to, cause i luv goin to church, bible study, youth group, 4:08, all of it... its just a lack of intrest... does that make sense?

I dunno where i am leading with this...

I guess its just the same as before... my prayer

"Confusing questions answered, difficult situations solved- The right path shown"

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Quotes & Lyrics

"It seems strange but most of the best things and most fulfilling things in life will come out of something hard"

Someone really wise quoted the above! (Melissa)

I guess, I have been told by heaps of people, HEAPS! That these sucky times, they will end and I will grow stronger out of it, that I WILL overcome it, BUT! That’s so darn hard to see now! Seriously, I know they are right, and that I will get through it, I dunno… I dunno where I am heading with this; I guess I’m just sick of hearing it and not seeing any results!!!

Some lyrics from songs and what I get out of them…

“I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
A family in crisis that only grows older”

Why is that, our family... hurt us the most? The ones we love the most? Are the ones who hurt us the most? Who put the most pressure on us!

“I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me”

One small incident, whether you understand it or not, whether it makes sense or not, can destroy EVERYTHING, trust levels sunken MAJORLY! But… it’s weird though because the few people I don’t think I can trust are those I confide in, those I expect to tell, don’t, and those I don’t expect to tell, do… Go figure…

“It's funny when you find yourself looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want is to be over there”

It’s funny when we drift so far from things and we don’t even notice, it seems that we have almost unintentionally walked outside and the door has shut, and locked, we cant get back in, however everything that matters is in that room, unable to find the key! I have lost something and i have NO idea how to get it back!

“I've had enough of living life for only me
And reaching just for the things that keep destroying me”

Almost as though we have had enough of life the way it is now, we want to change it ASAP! However, we don’t know how to change it. How can we stop the things that are ruining us and then reach for the ‘right’ things???? What if, I know it sounds weird, but what if, in a sense we are not in control of what is happening, the only option… isn’t an option? Do you know what I mean?

Well, at the half past four meeting yesterday, Sarah did a playdoe prayer, we shaped a small pile of playdoe into a figure of what we would like to pray for, then, in a sentence or two explain it… I said…
“Confusing questions answered” I also should have said “difficult situations solved”

The amount of difficult situations is overwhelming, you know that Simpson’s image? The one where you have a small devil on your left shoulder and an angel on your right? Both telling you to do something? Well kind of like that, but then not, because, in my eyes, and I HAVE thought this through... both options are HORRIBLE! So... then... what do I do?

Again I have more to say... but I don’t know how to put it into words and my two NEW math’s assignments are looking at me and with bible study tonight i am officially screwed! I swear... Nomes is so right!

"VCE is a 'valid' excuse to torture teenagers!!!"

Saturday, August 19, 2006

A whole lot to say!

Yep, it’s a long one! AND I am so not finished!

Okay so... i wrote this in math’s on Friday morning...

My head is pounding fast,
I haven’t slept enough.
I don’t think I can last,
This world is way too tough.

Have an outcome in an hour,
I don’t know what to do.
I think I’m gonna fail,
I don’t know what to do.

There’s too much on my mind,
I think I might explode.
The answers I can’t find,
This whole world is a code.

I can no longer trust,
Those who are around me.
Even though I must
I really just can’t trust

The world is such a haze
Im zoning in and out
Im always in a daze
Im overwhelmed by doubt

I cannot see the light
This is a hopeless fight!


Well, that’s that... Um... have you ever had that situation where you don’t know exactly how to feel? Like something has happened, and your angry, but your not… your upset, but your not, your confused, but you know why?
If you haven’t felt that way then you probably have absolutely no idea what I am on about, but for those who have (I’m hoping it’s not just me) know what I am saying… Well that’s exactly how I felt on Friday morning in math’s, I was really angry, but then I wasn’t, I was so upset, but then I wasn’t, I was confused, but then, I understood why?
So… I guess that’s kind of the most confusing thing I have ever! Written in my life! WOW!

At 'half past four' thingy... i dunno... well we were talking about communities, and trust and loyalty being the most important qualities needed for a functional community.
Well... a few things were said, and i have to study for another outcome (times 3) tomorrow so i will only focus on one or two...

Well... Mel kind of 'ran' tonight, and she asked us... to "draw ourselves as a tree in a garden, a picture that reflects our perspective on our community"

Well... after some great pictures from everyone... Liam brought up that it was strange that NO-ONE had drawn any roots for our trees... NO-ONE thought of the underneath issue? The tree that seemed absolutely fine, healthy, green, tall, really… was dying inside. (Continuing with the tree metaphor). Well this kind of made me think... A friend of mine talked on a blog entry of people wearing a ‘mask’, hiding what’s really happening underneath!

A question that popped into my head…
“Can we be wearing a mask without even realizing it?”

ALSO... We talked of our church community, those sitting at the table, Rhi said that (this is what I got from it anyway) “When we are at school, we aren’t always fully ourselves, but then at church, because we know everyone better we are more ourselves...”
Me, being my argumentative self, said “ But... in a sense, those we know better are those that we try to fool, as in, saying we are fine, even if we are not…” I said a whole lot more but I really can’t remember...

Okay... well I have TONES more... but I have three outcomes tomorrow and a math’s test so... I am kind of screwed, I got to go... BUT... I will update ASAP! I really enjoyed today, I got A LOT out of it... Thanks guys! (Those who read this AND those who don’t!)

You’re all the best! More important than you realize!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Short Note...

“Trust is so hard to gain… BUT… so easy to loose!”
This is too true!!!


“Forgiveness… the most important… the hardest!”

Why does the world seem to be spinning anti-clockwise for me? I am dizzy… powerless to stop it!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Questions & an Apology

“Anyone, then, who knows the good he aught to do and doesn’t do it, sins.” James 4:17

Tonight in bible study... I kinda zoned out... doing that WAY TO OFTEN! But anyhows, I was really disappointed in a way because no-one (including me-I know) brought this up.. And well I dunno...I wish I had’ve!!!

Anyhows can we, be responsible for someone else sinning???

As in, say... (Not using names)
A tells B something... and then... B then knows that something should be done, but A won’t let them... Are you following? If not sorry!!!
Well, in that scenario, does that make A responsible for B sinning? And, is there a lesser evil? As in, by B saying something, they would be betraying the trust of A which in itself is a sin (I don’t know if technically it is... but... it is in my eyes!) so then...

Is A is responsible for B sinning?

“Submit yourself, then, to god. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you…” James 4:7
Well we DID talk on this... But as I said I kinda zoned out... SORRY!
Well, it’s a question I have... I think I may have asked it already... again SORRY!
Well, if James says that when we draw closer to god, the devil will flee from us... Then why have I been told by MANY people that Satan only hurts those close to god... so in a sense, James is wrong! By drawing closer to god, you are almost (provoking, tempting, not sure of the word so...) Satan!
It seems to me (sounds really depressing) BUT... the closer to god you get, the more powerful Satan becomes in your life! Well... That’s what I have seen, so if I am wrong! PLEASE TELL ME SO!


I have always been told that all sins are ‘equal’ in a sense, as in there are no “OMGosh... that’s worse than my sin” comments... BUT! Why is it that some sins can hurt more??? And that some, can have more of a deeper effect, and yet are seen by others as ‘not THAT bad’???

(as usual...)

I would like to apologize.. I think that we may have already had these questions answered... BUT... I zoned out! So SORRY if I am repeating any questions!
But I really would like some answers, and if it’s a comment I can save it, so it doesn’t matter if I zone in and out!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006


Confusion, confuzzlement, descried in the dictionary as unable to think with clarity or act intelligently! Or by steph as a mental state characterized by a lack of clear and orderly thought and behaviour!

In my eyes it’s described as EVIL! Annoying, depressing! And it has overcome by life, I can’t find my way out!

Seriously, no matter how many people you talk to, not one of them know what to do! I have spoken to people ‘older’ and people ‘younger’ I have spoken to people I don’t know that well, people I know so much is scary, and yet still NO-ONE! Can help!!!

Again I say... My brain seems to be getting more and more thoughts, and none of them leaving, I kinda wish someone of them would just disappear, but the likeliness of that is close to zero!

Also... Why is it that we can only ever see the bad in our lives, and even the lives around us? Why do we struggle so much to see the good, and yet the bad comes so darn easily???

Well, someone I know told me this quote... I don’t really like it… but it does kinda describe my state of mind...

“How can we love another, when we feel that no-one loves us?”

Its kinda depressing in know... but still... Yh i dunno where i am heading so i will stop...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Who's at the door?

Wrote this for lit…

Who’s at the door?

There’s a knock at the door, she chooses to ignore it, she knows who it is!

Instead she sits on her bed, talking on the phone, her music is on, she is happy, the room glows, the sun light gapes through the open blinds, the pink curtains only covering a fraction of the window, and the fresh air blows through the open window. There is a spring fragrance in the room, it’s inviting, its appealing, its lovely, that’s what we see, although, in her mind, in her eyes…she sits, rocking, curled up, protecting herself from the world that surrounds her, her head in her lap, and we do not see her face. She is petrified, she doesn’t make any sudden movements, only rocks, back and forth, back and forth, almost as though she is trying to calm herself down. To comfort herself, she has no-one else, she doesn’t know who to turn to, who to trust, is there anyone? She is scared and alone, she has no thoughts, they are too painful, she has lost all sense of herself.

The knocking continues…

She still doesn’t look up, not until she hears it, the voice, the one that tells her she is unworthy, that she is not good enough, that she never will be… The voice that has led her to the depth’s of hell that she lives in now, she hates them, she despises them. She glances up, we see her face drenched with tears, and mascara lines stain her face, her eyes puffy from all the tears she has shed, the scars not physical, we see the pain in her eyes, deep down in her heart; we see them escaping, the fears, the despair, the pain!

The knocking continues… As does the angry voice, only this time its louder, louder and louder, telling her she is unworthy, she is a disgrace, she is evil, no one loves her, NO ONE! We still do not know who is at the door, but she does, she is terrified by it, we can see the fear in her eyes, still she speaks no words, only tears, a quiet sniff here and a silent sob there… She knows what is being said is true, she has been told every day of her life, she has begun to believe it, now… it’s in her heart.

The knocking is unbearable now, its so loud she covers her ears, she can’t bear it, she doesn’t want to face the door, she knows who is there, she wants it to go away….

The knocking continues, its getting louder and louder, she cannot bear it any more, she gets up, she walks to the door, and opens it, she stares at the girl, she hates her, she hates her so much she wishes she were dead, the one who ruined her life, the one who has put her in so much hell…

She sees herself!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

What you cannot see...

Poem i wrote... dunno what it really means, But then... I never really do when it comes to poetry, a strange style of art!

So scared and alone,
So confused and sad
Can’t use the phone,
Feeling so bad.

Unsure of my life
Unsure of gods plan
Way to much strife
To ever understand

Why is it me,
Who suffers all the pain?
Why cant they see?
Im drowning in the rain?

Blind to all the tears
Pouring down my face
Blind to all the fears
The ones I cannot face

The fears they’ll never know
The feeling no-one sees,
You never would believe it…
But it’s all inside of ME

I just want to scream
I just want to shout
Anything at all
To rid me of this doubt

The feelings oh so low
The indescribable pain,
The ones they’ll never know
The ones that cause such shame

The overwhelming dark
I cannot see the light
The never leaving mark
The never ending fight!!!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


Okay... This may sound weird!

Have you ever been talking to someone... giving them advice on something, and suddnely it hits you! You are being the most hipocritical person ever!!!!!!!!!

That what literally just happened to me! There i was talking to someone, telling them something, when really i should be telling myself this! i should be giving myself this advice!

Well... Another point, more to the point another "Have you Ever?"
Have you ever not wanted to tell someone something, so you say 'im fine' and they can still tell that something is up??? That sux!

Hint: Hiding emotions doesnt work! Even when you are online! Even if you've never MET the person!
Its crazy! Is that just me?