My Journey, My Voice, My choice!

My life, issues, thoughts and voice

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Knocked off my feet!

Okay well I know I blog a lot! But I kinda don’t care
Well last night I really should’ve been in bed by like 10 because I had to be up by 8:30, but I couldn’t sleep! Don’t ask…

But anyhow, I was online for an hour or so and then I went to bed, BUT I couldn’t sleep! And I knew I should have because I was stuffed this morning to get out of bed…
Anyhow not the point of this blog! This blog is because something really awesome happened last night! Like I mean absolutely awesome the best thing ever lol it’s a major thing! But it’s kinda hard to explain I tried to my sis but she didn’t really get it@ (that was prob cause I was jumping up and down at 8:30 in the morning but)

Okay, I will start from the beginning…
While I was staying at a friends house a little ago, she told me of a time that god really touched her and the way she explained it I was sooooooooo envious! Like I thought about it all night! She said, and I quote “God literally knocked me of my feet” I thought bout this sooooooooo much! I mean, I don’t think I have ever felt god quite that much!

BUT!!!! Last night, I lied in bed listening to my music, as I do before bed and I just started to talk to god, time flew past, it was 3 before I knew it and I was till chatting (like a sleep over with god-that sounds weird) I was just talking to him, telling him EVERYTHING! And those I have spoke to know just how much that is! And I dunno, its really cool cause in my last blog I asked for the strength to do so, and boy did I get it! And while I couldn’t be knocked off my feet (I was in bed) I felt gods’ presence so strongly! It was one of those feelings that no one can describe! You have to have witnessed it to know, (such as galloping on a horse) But I lay there in my bed and I talked, I prayed, I thought, ect but I knew God was listening and I knew he was there!

Well I dunno how to explain it but god, “knocked me over” not literally but still!
See its kinda hard to explain! But, the last few months have been really hard on me, and I have had some really awesome people to talk to and take my mind off of it, but I hadn’t really given it to god, I mean I had spoken to him, I had prayed for his strength to guide me and that, but I hadn’t fully given EVERYTHING to God, and last night I think I did, and I felt his presence in my heart! Like majorly and I was so psyched cause I had that, I felt so privileged, I dunno, my problems are still here, and they are still very real but I feel like the burden has been lifted so much!
Okay, well if that made sense to you, then you’re really smart, but I had to tell someone! I wanted to scream it at the top of a mountain but I don’t live near any mountains so I figured I would blog about it and tell everyone to read my blog!!!
Well I better be off, I went to word again today and bought my book so I have something to read! Awesome! Well God Bless you all!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

My hope for a loophole

You know, I thought it was a funny joke.
But this one thing is true--
If you never accept Jesus Christ,

This is just part of a poem I was reading the other day, the full poem talks of a teenager who said he had accepted god but with his actions turned him away. Then this child dies and is unable to enter heaven!

Well every concert I go to, basically, they ask us all one question “If you dies today would you go to heaven?” And this alone makes me think every time would i? And then I was browsing the internet and I found this poem and the whole thing is too long, but this bit seemed to make me think…

And yeah, all my blogs seem to be about someone saying something or me reading something and that making me think! BUT…
My last blog was about why do I go to church? And I had a comment from someone unknown and they say that by me thinking about it and them reading that I thought about it made them think about it and they came to similar conclusion as me (one more time… that made sense in my head) So I figure if I blog about a thought I had then maybe someone will read it and have a similar thought…. Yes its weird but then, so am I!

So my thought about this part of the poem was related to an issue I have had and of a blog of a mate. I know that we cannot rely on other people’s faith, but can others rely on ours? Can we share our faith when we all end up at heavens gate? Let me elaborate, some people don’t want to be changed, but it is my deepest desire to ‘save’ them I just don’t know how too? Two people that I used to be really close too seemed to have drifted away from me and I am continually fighting with them, and it seems that they have not, and will not get the chance to discover god and his awesome power; I know it is never too late, but I feel it could be too late soon-ish.

Someone, i really trust, suggested that these two people may be intimidated by how close my relationship with god has gotten and I feel that (once again) she is right. I just wish that I could see the path to take, the path so that I could help them. It seems that if I speak about god and what his doing in my life, and how much life improves when you are with him, I end up being yelled and screamed at, and made feel low again. My actions, while they have changed (for the better) seem to have made these people I speak of even more distant to god (well closer to Satan) and to me as well. I dunno what I can do, and using a line people say is always wrong but “im only one person” But this time I think it may be true, because I have come from many angles and it seems to be worse, I have tried to speak often of god, try to explain to them how awesome he really is, that didn’t work, so I tried the speak nothing of him, just show them, with myself and those who surround me, how awesome god is, That didn’t work. Well it hasn’t seemed to anyway. And I am not a giving up type of person, I’m really not. It is a hate of mine to give up and stop trying and I know I will never stop trying but I am out of ideas. Well, that’s my question.
Those who have chosen not to have god in their life, if it is offered can they rely on the faith of others? Is their a loophole? (Speaking as a potential lawyer). If not, what can I (only one person) do?

Now, something completely off the topic, A mate of mine recently had a really awesome quote, I have heard it before.
“Don’t worry about anything, instead pray about EVERYTHING”
I really like this, however I think I need to practice it a little more, I am constantly worrying about everything, from minor struggles to those that seem to consume my life. I just wish I had the strength to rely completely on god, and give him my all, my everything.

Okay, one more thing, yes this is really long and I am guessing if your still reading then you have nothing to do, or you actually care about my thoughts (in which case, you have earnt a hug). At church last week we sang a song ‘heart of worship’ and I have had the chorus in my head all week (yeah I know its only two days) and I went online to download it, and I found this, the lyrics analyzed.

when the music fades
and all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring something that's of worth that will bless Your heart.

[when there is no music; no guitar, no drums, no piano will you still worship God? how about when everything is taken away from you? will you go to Him with that simple, innocent childlike faith? to long to give something that’s of worth, to bless Him?]

i'll bring You more than a song
for a song in itself is not what you have required.
you search much deeper within
thru the way things appear
you're looking into my heart

[why not bring him more than a song? he's not longing for that song, but the willingness in your heart. he wants more than that song. he searches deeper within, into your heart, past the external looks and how things appear to be.]

im coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about You, it's all about You Jesus
im sorry Lord for the things I’ve made it..
when it's all about You, it's all about You Jesus..

[the heart of worship - is to worship Him with not only your song but your life, your daily actions, words and thoughts. to lead a holy life acceptable to Him, a pleasing sacrifice unto His name. we've made worship to be all about music and songs. but it's all about one person - Jesus.]

king of endless worth
no one could express
how much You deserve
though im weak and poor
all i have is Yours, every single breath

[God's goodness is just too great to express in words. what He deserves cant be said in just one or two words. we're weak and poor but what we have is His breath of life in us, to keep us going.]

I really like this song, it also has made me think about my faith for god, and how I can make it stronger and how it can grow, and I guess time heals all wounds and makes relationships stronger.

Well I have said HEAPS!!! And, like I said if you actually read all of that then you have earnt a hug, cause that shows that either you’re really bored, or you care that much to read like two pages of all my thoughts and stuff! Yeah…

P.S. Liam, you know how to put that ‘make poverty history’ thingy in the corner, now two people have asked you, HOW DO YOU DO IT????????
Oh, and sorry for your loss (soccer):P

Catch yaz all around…

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Why do i go??

Well i went to daylesford with Sarah! So so so much fun, horse riding was great and the house was cute! and now i am back and i was really psyched to get home, but like i had to leave almost straight away to go to church for a 'chat' thingy what ever you call it, that was ok no main highlights or lows, but i got home after that and went on my computer and i (as i usually do) checked my blog, and my website and comments ect chatted but! i was in the biggest rush, i don’t know why but i just had this feeling that i was going to have to go out somewhere! I had no plans it was really weird and kind of freaky! (Once again that made sense in my head)

Well at the youth meeting thingy ma bob (what ever you call it) um…Liam asked Sarah if she would repeat something she had said the other night in a dif meeting and she said (my interpretation) that she was proud of us (being the youth people) because we go to church without being forced. Well I have had a few people ask me exactly why I go to church and my answer is always the same, ‘cause I do’ with a laugh and a topic changer. But the other night when Sarah said that, I went home and I actually thought about what she has said, and I though about that question…

And usually like I said I would laugh it off and put it to the back of my mind… but I didn’t this time, I couldn’t for some reason I had to think about it and well this is what I came up with.
Why do I go to church? Because church is my haven, it is my peaceful place where I feel safe, calm and at home. I have many people in which I can share fellowship and worship with, there are songs to sing, messages to be both heard and told and a cheerful crowd to be included in (this is greensy btw) But that’s not all… When I am at church I feel like I am closer to god, not because I am with others who love him but because I am with god in his house and he wants me there! There is a lot more but I won’t go to far…

Well the dictionary (that being the online dictionary) says that church is ‘The Company of all Christians regarded as a spiritual body’ I quite like this!!!! Okay well I kind of don’t know what to say about it, I just like it, A LOT! And I think it speaks for itself!

Well yeah, about my previous post, I did remember what my point was, and it was 4:04 am but I went back to sleep and then by the time I woke up I forgot so yeah that’s kind of gone and over I don’t think it will come back to that point in the near future!

Ooh and could someone tell me how people have the ‘make poverty history’ thingy in the corner of their blogs, I want one but dunno how!

Wow, this turned out longer than expected!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

My point... which i forgot:)

•God's answers are wiser than our prayers.
•The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement.
•The light in the eyes of him whose heart is joyful, rejoices the heart of others...
•I had rather be in hell with Christ, than be in heaven without Him
•They gave our Master a crown of thorns – Why do we hope for a crown of roses?
•God’s wounds cure, sin’s kisses kill
•Attempt great things for God, expect great things from God
•Bible--->should fill the memory, rule the heart and guide the feet.
•Either the Bible will keep you away from sin, or sin will keep you away from the Bible
These are just a few points i found on the net, well i have a blog entry on thing i dont want to remember and want to change, but these are a few things that help me and that i try to remember.

God's answers are wiser than our prayers: This i have this first because i think that it is spot on, well for me anyway, i mean i know a few wise people and i reckon some of their prayers are really wise like they are, but still can anyone be as wise as god???

well i guess that depends on your definition of wise, dictionaries struggle to give a clear meaning of the word wise, and yet as soon as you hear the word you know what it means right? but, like i read in a friends blog, you cant put it into words!

So i guess what i am saying is that i use the word wise to describe a few people i respect and look up to, but if you were to ask me for a definition i would be stumped, i would Prob say something like, "its a compliment... and then i would go on to give an example of a wise person.

Okay using something in another person’s blog, the words we use can be taken so many different ways, good, bad, nasty, joking, the list goes on.

Well the point that i am trying to make is that, I completely forgot my point! Argh I have like written this over the entire day, and now that I am trying to close at 6 I forgot!:( I did have a point and I am hoping you can gather from what I have said what it was but I have had little to no (emphasis on the NO) sleep and I am soooooo rushed so if I remember my point which I am sure will come to me at like 3 in the morning I will finish this… yh

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

um.. yeh

Okay well if you couldn’t tell i kind of felt a little low recently and well fighting with mum makes me really miss my dad, and i usually don post poems that aren’t happy but well i dunno i just thought for once i would! i dunno but yeah, i wrote this at 12:00 so its kind of clumsy…

I was only four,
I couldn’t understand,
Tis’ my heart you tore
You did it with your hand

And now im so confused
At why you wanted to die?
I am forever bruised
Not ever knowing why...

No happy memories made,
No days to think about
I really wish you’d stayed
To save me from this doubt

The day you went away
Seems like forever now
But it haunts me day to day
I will never know how…

You never ever wrote?
A letter or a card,
Not even a small note
Nothing to say good-bye.

Did I do something wrong?
Was it me who made you go?
I wasn’t there that long
To long though…

Do you realise that I pray
for something I know cant happen
I pray every single day
That you will come home

I pray for your return
I pray to see you again
I pray for me to learn
Why you caused such pain!

so yeah, thats that

Sunday, June 18, 2006


I have spoken, in a previous blog entry about how I felt that I had to choose between god and a close friend...
Well over the last three days I have had major, and I mean MAJOR fights with my mother, and I went to the bible for help, each and every verse tells me to “honour my mother and father, make their values yours, make their faith yours” But what if, by following their values and faith I am disobeying god in other ways?
By disobeying my parents I am disobeying god, but if I were to listen to them I would be disobeying god in a much worse way!
I don’t know what to do; I don’t know which way to turn and who to turn to! It’s crazy that parents can make their kids feel so low! I dunno, well yeh I guess that’s all I have to say, short post!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Big Sook!

Ever had one of those days where nothing seems so go right? What ever could have gone wrong did? Well that was my day today! I mean big-time.
First I woke up late (like 8:10 instead of 7:00), mum and dad still asleep my sis in the shower already! Then realized my wallet is at school in my locker, meaning I have no money which means I cant catch the bus, I have to walk a 45 min walk in 10 mins, plus get ready for school!

Secondly I cleaned my room up last night, so I couldnt find my school t-shirt (yeh I no confusing) but this meant that I was wearing my school dress(cotton!!! Useless against wind)

Okay so I finally get out the door at 9:00 School starting at 9:06! And Irealizee that today with be my 10thunauthorizedd late, that means a detention! Great just what I need! Well walking usually calms me down, I had my music and I was calming down, yeh right! I then tripped over uneven concrete grazing my knee, chin and spraining my wrist! Argh could this day get any worse? Yeh I could!

I got to school only half an hour late, rushed upstairs got my books walked into accounting to discover we are doing a surprise outcome! No notes, no study and I was half an hour late! Okay so I rush my accounting work bad but I just finish, I then head to legal in the worst mood ever, wondering if I will get my exam results (legal is like most important subject as I want to be a lawyer-anxiety!!) Did i? Nope, she was absent today!
Argh! By far the worst day for a long time!!!!

Next, come my English class, we have just started a major Assignment like 6 written parts and 2 orals! And what happens? I left my book at home didnt i? With all the rush it was still on my bedside table!!!!!!!
Then came lunch and I thought I would calm down free time with my mates, but is that all I have I have to deal with? No, once again gossip has gotten hold of our year level and apparently me and a few other people got up to some interesting things over the weekend! Too bad I wasnt home all weekend and Sarah (both) can vouch for me! Argh! I am just officially sick and tired of gossip, I know I cant say much cause I do gossip, but I will complain cause I had a rotten day! I am so over people hearing stuff bout me and assuming its true, I mean some of these things are just like what I would never! and I just cracked it so bad today!

Jeepers I have had a major sook! Yeah, well that was my day and it really kinda sucked! But Im home now writing this so I guess it could have been much worse! (I say that now)

Yeah well not much else to say, just me having a sook!
Oooh wait, no there is more to say, this is good news but! I have just been told (by a reliable source) there is a youth event on the 18-19 of August with Soteria as the guests (music group from SA if you didnt know!) Well yeah, so looking forward to that now! I like received the email as I wrote this!!! OMGosh yay, soooo excited!
Well yeah, will let you know closer to the date and as I know more!

Monday, June 12, 2006

My free class....

I had a spare class last period today, and i was in the library listening to music and i had the feeling that i needed to write! I write alot of poetry! its my way of releasing anger and emotions and so i wrote this last period today, itskinda a dodgy poem, the end was really rushed but this is what i finsihed with...

You have such a strong hold,
Of which you’re unaware.
I see you as so bold,
You always seem to care.

Even when I turn away,
Say and do what I know is wrong.
You never leave, you always stay,
You turn me back! Through words of song.

Where are you when needed most?
Just right there, by my side.
You never judge, you never boast,
You always there as my guide.

I’m so thankful that you’re in my life,
Cause I want it no other way.
You drive away the stress and strife,
I love you more each and every day.

I want to know you more and more,
To live with you in that holy place.
To walk right through that open door,
To be touched again, by your grace.

For this I say a single prayer,
Each and every day.
That together we an a be a pair,
To drive the sin away.

I Love You!!!

P.S. Thanks for the tip on the foto's

My baby

Um just checking if his works!!!

BTW: This is my baby girl bubbles luv her to bits this is my fav pic of her!!!


Well then, something to look forward too! Only four days of school left and then on sweet blissful holidays! No homework so far (I’m guessing that will change) yeah not much to say, um… Yeah, well I wen to riverside church last night (11th) and it was my first time staying for the entire meeting (I had to leave early to catch train last time) and I thought it was great, really good!
Oh riverside, if you don’t know is the church held at Monty high school, the greensy girls go to Monty so that how I know that, AND some really awesome people who used to go to Macleod Salvo’s are also there so I got to catch up with them as well which was really good!
Yeah, not much to say! But a question about blogging! How can I add photo’s to blog entries??? I have seen it on other blogs and I would like to know how it’s done!!!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

God Vs ......

Have you ever had that feeling where you had to choose between god and someone else?
As you grow closer to god you distance yourself from someone?
Well, recently I had a split with a really close friend and it seems that since then I have grown a lot closer to God! And I mean that great, the best thing in my life, like its kinda all that kept me standing and above the surface!
But obviously missing this friend makes me feel like I kinda have to choose between her and God, and I know that if she were my true friend I wouldn’t have to do that... i mean there isnt really a decision, nothing is more important to me than my relation ship with god, but like I think it’s like a sign or something?? Okay I am like confusing myself here...
People always say that god works in mysterious ways, is this one of his ways? Is this a test? What am I to do? I know I don’t want t be away from god, I want nothing of the sort I want to be closer and get to know him more, but then why do I keep getting these obstacles????
Yeah that’s my question, can you answer it?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006


Well today after a really really bad night i ended up at greensy station at 8:30am and not meeting people untill 12:30pm, yeah thats five hours and nothing to do, no book, no nothing so what to do????
Well i have had alot to think about, like i mean alot!!!!
Well i kinda broke down on sunday at church and spilled my guts to melissa!
Well that, for some strange reason that kinda made me feel better and she didnt really say much it was more just confort but she asked me one question and i didnt answer it, why? cause i didnt know the answer.... its hard to explain online but it really made me think....
And so today, while i sat at greensy station for five hours i thought, and i thought and i even thought some more! yeah ALOT of thinking and alot of convo with god, and you know i still havent come to a complete conclusion as i need to kinda get exact details of the result... once again hard to explain,
Well yeh, i never really think much about my problems, i just act on them, and thats how i end up in to deep with no way out! they all kinda get worse and worse and i get deeper and deeper but today i was kinda forced to think (FIVE HOURS-trust me that felt like alot longer) and i did, alot, i wrote stuff down as well thats kinda what i do i write, poetry and stories!
Well yeh, i guess thats kinda all i have to say, there is not much more...
However i would like to thank melissa, yeh she didnt say much, but she was there, i know it sounds strange but spilling your guts to someone can really lift your load and make them not seem quite so heavy!!!
well yeh, that was my day!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Exams are over! YAY:)

Hello, well I did my very last exam today, lit, happy that its over I wrote 8 pages in one and a half hours, my hand was sore after that!
I don’t know all my results but I was worried about my Math’s exam, big-time! I told everyone I failed! But I didn’t, well technically I did but I am not marked as a fail. Its confusing but in short, the whole class failed so my teacher guessed that the exam was too hard and so he made the exam out of 50 not 100 and I got 40/50 not 40/100 so technically I got 90 percent! so cool!
Well my other results I don’t get until I get my report! scared but I think I did okay (that means I did badly but I am in denial) well now I have a six day weekend to look forward to and absolutely NO STUDY to do, that rocks!
Mum won’t be yelling at me "get out of bed and study" or "no you’re not going out your going to fail if you don’t study"
I can’t wait to sleep in!
Well exams are over and so I can write this without feeling guilty cause I should be studying :) Yeah, not much else to say....
However I have just realized that people actually do read my blog, kind of cool, writing everything down is my way of releasing things and so this blog happened, but people have commented and given advice, I used to think comments were bad (I got an abusive one) but now they kind of make you feel loved:)
Well yeah, I have to go and eat dinner coz mum is getting cranky!

Sunday, June 04, 2006


This morning I went to church and Liam was giving the sermon, he was talking about us acting like Jesus did, he want reminding us of the fact that Jesus dies so we could live. And that really made me think:

Have I been acting like Jesus would?
Unfortunately I have too say I haven’t, but in some aspects that really isn’t that easy, but in some aspects it is... And I am ashamed to admit it but I haven’t been acting like Jesus did, I have been acting in an opposite manner and that is really bad, I found this on the internet and its really scary because it applies to me in a bad way!

  • Isn't it funny that $10 seems like a lot when go to church, but so little when we go shopping?
  • Isn't it funny how one hour seems so long when we worship God, and so short when we watch a ballgame?
  • Isn't it funny how 2 hours in church seem so much longer than when we watch a movie?
  • Isn't it funny how when a ballgame goes into overtime we get so excited, but when a sermon Last a little longer than usual, we complain?
  • Isn't it funny how we find reading a whole chapter from the bible boring, but that it's easy to read 100 pages of the latest novel?
  • Isn't it funny how we want to sit in the front row when we go to a basketball game or theatre, but that we sit in the last rows of the church?
  • Isn't it funny how we need 2 or three weeks notice when there is an event to attend at the church, and how we are always available for other events or programs?
  • Isn't it funny how we have difficulty to learn verses of the bible, but so easy to learn and tell the latest gossip?
  • Isn't it funny how you’re almost never late for work but your always late for church?
  • Isn't it funny how we believe the newspapers, but we question God?
    Isn't IT FUNNY? Are you laughing? Im, not!

I feel as though I have distanced my self from my father, and that is not something I am proud of in fact it is something i feel that I must change!

In my life I am surrounded by two types of people, the people who live with god in them, who live like Jesus did and then there are those who are living for the devil. I worry that too many of us younger and even older people are falling in with this crowd, but how can we stop it? How can I stop myself and others around me from falling in with these people, I am powerless to stop myself so how can I stop others?

I say that in some aspects it isn’t easy to do the right thing, by these I mean that sometimes it is a loose/loose situation, no matter what you do someone significant in your life is hurt deeply, but if you do nothing you are struggling with the pressure of the wrong thing on your conscience

So in life, I would like to use the motto of WWJD (What would Jesus do) but like I said is this so easy? Are we all doomed to mistakes over and over again, are we all going to be tempted for life in that the devil will get involved and his people surround us with evil action and doing things that Jesus never did? What can we do to stop it? Is god our only strength???