My Journey, My Voice, My choice!

My life, issues, thoughts and voice

Friday, September 29, 2006


Why? Why is it me who is suffering so bad? Who's suffering so much pain? Did i do something wrong to deserve this? If so, can someone let me know, because i am willing to do ANYTHING to get rid of this blasted curse! I'm tired of everything sucking so bad!

Everyone is telling me that i'll overcome this, its not forever, it'll pass...but do they really know what there is to overcome? Can they really see whats going on in my broke, chewed up and stomped on heart? can they actually comprehend just how bad i really feel? I dunno...

I guess i;m just tired of having to fight so hard to be happy, iwish it were just that little bit easier to smile (and mean it!) I'm tired of frowning and i am SOOO over tears but is there really another way out??

Is there?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

What to feel?

Petrified, releived, scared, confused, astonished, grateful, anxious, angry? The list just goes on...these are all the feelings that i have had inside me since wednesday night!

Have you ever had something happen and you kinda dont know whether to laugh or whether to cry? Well, i have cried, ALOT! I can't say that i have actually 'laughed' about it, but still... I have a HUGE feeling of releif, as though a major burden has been lifted off of me, No longer do i have to deal with that issue anymore! (btw: It was my main issue) But removing THAT issue, another lot arise, and while they seem easier to deal with, if they arent dealth with then, the reprocussions could be disasterous!!!!!

So now i am kind of mixed up, i dont know whether i am happy that this situation has occured or whether i am devestated and wish i could go back in time...?

I dunno, I think that for the first, (well no, not the first time, but the most important...? I dunno) time that i need to feel god, i NEED his guidance, i NEED his light to shine on my dark, dark path, but it seems as though when i need him most he has turned his back...? Is it me? Am i pushing him away? If i am, how can i pull down this barrier? I cant seem to get on top of it to push it down:(

I guess i just feel completely powerless, i have tried everything and now i am living the effects of nothing happening, i dunno, it seems somewhat ironic, I had someone pray for me on wednesday night, a specific thing, and yet, the exact opposite happeneD? Is this gods plan? Does he have a reason behind his misterious ways? If so.... why do his lessons have to hurt so much? I dunno, i think i will leave it at that, i dunno i guess i am just SO (emphasis on the SO) sick of all these unanswered quesions! grr...

Monday, September 18, 2006

No-one sees

***Before u read this, you MUST know that, while there is some truth behind it, this is Extreme, and way exaggerated, so DONT STRESS! seriously...
Also...if u dont like dark depresisng stuff u prob shouldnt read this... Yh so...You've been warned, and told to NOT BELEIVE THIS ACURATLY - ITS EXTREME!"

Okay, so...i posted the first half of this a couple of weeks ago, and my second section of the outcome was to write "why is she in that room?" And well, i was in footscray for the last two days, i will post about that later, anyhows, i sat there after watching indoor soccer, and i just wrote, i didnt know what i was really writing, there was no purpose, but then...i came up with this...and i figured i could use it for my essay!

No-one sees the truth; no-one sees the fear, the pain, and the anguish. No-one sees, why? Because no-one is looking hard enough, no-one wants to see so they pretend that they cannot see her dying. Why? Why is this girl in so much pain? Why is she being tormented and hurt so badly? She believes it to be her fault, who else could be to blame? She believes it, but really is it her fault? Does she honestly deserve to feel so low?

She has done nothing wrong; she doesn’t deserve to hate life so much. She has been praying, no, begging, wishing, anything to be rid of this torture, to overcome this hell. She doesn’t want to cut, she doesn’t want to bleed, but… she sees no way out. No-one is looking at all, no-one really gives a damn about how she is…they say that they care but it’s obvious that they don’t! They couldn’t possibly, if they did then they would open their eyes and begin to notice how broken she is, how desperate she really is, desperate for love, not a spouse, but a friend, an honest friend, someone who will hug her when she cries, someone who will wipe away her tears, someone to say a prayer, someone to help her out of this hell she calls life.

So… why does she not smile? Why does she hide the truth? Why is she pretending to be something that she is not? Why? Because she has learnt, she has learnt that no-one cares, that there is no point in relying on others, they just walk in and out of her life; she is used to people leaving her life. She knows the truth. Now, and as she sees that! She cries out, she wants to change the truth, she longs to be held, to be embraced by some-one real, to be hugged when she cries, for someone to wipe away the tears, for some-one to actually care about her and how she feels!

She’s tired of feeling so alone, she’s tired of no-one seeing through her act, she tries to show them, every time she cries, every time she spills to someone, she tries to show them, but continually these people somehow convince themselves that she is okay. The must be so naïve to sincerely believe that she is fine, to honestly not see the signs, although, maybe they do see the signs, maybe they just ignore them, maybe they just couldn’t be bothered? So…who are they?

Every week, every time she sees them:
“How are you?” she always answers the same, “I’m fine, and you?” And the conversation continues onwards about nothing important, and yet, in her mind she screams out…
“IM NOT OKAY!” However, it’s only in her mind, no-one hears the truth; they think that they do. They are those who believe they know her, those who believe that she is fine. They are those who call themselves her friends, family, leaders’ even just acquaintances, those who are standing there watching her slowly die in pain, and those who stand there watching and do absolutely nothing.

They are those who cannot see through her games, who cannot see just how close to death she is, not physically, maybe just emotionally, or maybe, it is physically, would they even know the difference? They are those who continually ask how she is, but never actually listen closely to the answer, they only hear what they want to hear, they don’t hear her tone, and they certainly don’t see the look of disappointment as another person turns their back on her, they cant see that again, they just tore her heart in half!
She has had her mask on for so long; even she is unable to remove it! She has hidden the truth for so long! She is skilled at hiding now, her sweet smile, her laughing fit, her funny joke, its all fake! The chance of her showing her real feelings is not high! She has learnt not to, she has learnt to no longer trust anyone! She is getting used to being alone, to crying herself to sleep every night!

Do you think anyone can see how low she has sunken? Can anyone see the scars? Does anyone realize that the little food she eats ends up in the toilet? Can anyone even tell she is bleeding, inside and out, do they see the cuts on her wrists? Do they see the bruises? NO! They don’t, why? Because she is so skilled at hiding them! She has been doing this for so long, long enough to develop skills to hide them! No-one can see through her mask! She is always hiding her true feelings behind a smile and No one seems to be able to see through, maybe they do? Maybe they just don’t care! Who knows? She doesn’t!

She isn’t sure of who to turn to, of who to trust, who actually cares, the only thing that she is sure of is who doesn’t care, who not to turn to, she knows that her mother doesn’t care, her sister doesn’t, her brother doesn’t and her dad? Well where is he? he had the courage to take his own life, she however, doesn’t, maybe it isn’t strength, maybe it’s just her belief, her hopes and dreams that are slowly falling, she used to believe that she would be able to escape this place, that she would find some-one who loves her, find some-one who cares, she is starting to realize that, that person doesn’t exist, that place, that love, it doesn’t exist! She is slowly gaining that strength, that courage, before she couldn’t cut, she couldn’t fast and she certainly couldn’t bring herself to throw up anything, it was all way to disgusting and immoral, but now… now she doesn’t care, she is cutting all the time, and food is never an option, she knows what to say, she doesn’t feel well, she ate before she came, she isn’t hungry. She isn’t eating, she isn’t sleeping and she is cutting often! Why? Because no one cares…

How does she know that no one cares? Because she is told daily, by those who are meant to protect her from harm, the same hand that embraces her is the same that makes her cry. She is told daily, by her family, her friends, even strangers are telling her how unworthy she is, how much of a failure she is… Can no one see how they are killing this girl? Can no-one see the path she’s walking? The path of self destruction? Can they not see how low she has sunk? So low that nothing will ever reach her, nothing can save her? This girl, she is so close, maybe months, maybe weeks, maybe even just days away from loosing all sense of herself!

Soon, who knows how soon, this will all be useless, all be too late, this poor, lonely and ashamed girl will be gone, gone forever, and only then will anyone see realize just how far away she’s drifting, how much she cant cope, just how broken she really is…

She’s broken, confused, ashamed and miserable, but worst of all she is all ALONE!

What do you think? Does it work??

Friday, September 15, 2006

Blown around!

Okay so, you have all seem the plastic bag been blown around and tossed around by wind- right?

Well, i saw that last night and came to a sudden realisation, regarding an analogy:)

Well, lately i have felt like the plastic bag, having no control over my dirction, just being thrown and tossed around, nothin i can do untill the wind calms down....Well, to me it would seem as though i am the plastic bag and the wind is my life, everytime it calms down just enough for me to put my feet on the ground, another wind starts up, another thing happens, i cannot escape the wind! i cannot escape life!

I'm tired of being blown around by the wind, yet i have NO control over the wind...??? What am i suposed 2 do???

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Who am I?

Who am I?
A question that neither I, nor anyone else I think can answer!

I no longer know who I am, I mean, not literally as I know I am Talia Jayde, I am 16, ect... but no longer do I understand anything!

I do not know the point, I do not know why I am here, why I am supposed to care? What am I supposed to care about? Is there anything? Well, of course you think that there HAS to be something, because that’s what you see...

I dunno, I guess, as I see it, the answers seem so basic from the outside, yet from the inside, the answer ISNT so simple, and I am not just talking about one thing... I dunno, I guess I knew who I was, now I am not so sure!

Who am I?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Always alone

Crying, hurting...ALWAYS alone!
Confused, ashamed...ALWAYS alone!
Broken, miserable...ALWAYS alone!
Living, dying...ALWAYS alone

No matter what, I'm Always alone!

Saturday, September 09, 2006


So, youth group was weird!

I haven’t been to a youth group without James, and well, I DON’T like it, not one bit, it was so empty, yet there were people there, lots! Like: about 10... (Yeah that’s lots more than I expected!)

I dunno, the atmosphere was as usual, just quieter, it just seemed empty, I dunno, it’s kinda hard to explain, maybe it was just me, well, I guess it kinda sunk in this weekend, before I was just angry, like REALLY angry, and that’s not saying I am not still angry, I guess it just sunk in that James, and most likely Saz won’t be coming anymore! Like, no 4:08, no bible study, nothing! It is so empty, and yeah, I enjoyed youth group, it was weird, but fun-ish! I dunno, I guess it’s just kinda really starting to sink in for me, as in, before this weekend I admit I hadn’t cried: only yelled and cursed (I know I shouldn’t!), but this weekend, on Saturday night, when I suddenly came to the realisation, now i cant stop! I dunno I guess I am just realizing that the two most important (physically) people in my life are leaving, and well, even though they say we will still see each other, it will NEVER be the same, and that scares the crap out of me! It all seems to be blown out of proportion!

What happened to the saying “forgive and forget?”
This is the most screwed up situation ever!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

My breakdown

Long post...
Well, this has been the hardest week of my life, NO EXAGGERATIONS...including exams!

I did however, realise the effect some blogs can have on people, their thought, actions and feelings, and if misunderstood, or taken the wrong way can hurt people, so from now on I will be much more careful, and try to not mention names when describing a stick situation!

Have you ever just broken down? Well, when I feel I might, I walk, I put my music in, I walk, no matter what time and I walk, I have a really nice park near my house!

Anyhows, I just got back from a walk, Mel dropped me home bout 5:30, then I was online, and then I left, planning to do homework, but… too much on my mind to focus on Trig!

Well, I wrote a letter like three weeks ago, I sent it on Monday, maybe Tuesday, not sure. The day isn’t the point! Anys, I just told someone really amazing (not naming names) how I felt (NO NOT A LOVE LETTER), well, I was kinda anxious seeing this person today, but… once I had seen them, anxiety gone, instead ‘compassion’, I dunno, I felt happy being in their presence: (wow that sounded corny as!). I dunno, just wanted to let them know that, I may not say it that often, but you mean the world to me!
(They know who they are! *Note: If you’re reading this...I Love you!!!)

I really just don’t understand! I said in a blog a while back that Satan is too powerful, James told me to not credit so much to him, don’t take this as weird, but I had a REALLY hot and long shower, tried clear my mind, but yet I was thinking too much, has anyone ever told you something over and over again, every time you see them (which is often) and still you don’t believe them, you don’t take it in, but then, at the worst time possible you realise they are SO totally right??

Well, I had a long hot shower when I got home, and I was thinking, (That’s so not weird, some people sing, I think!) Anyhows, I was thinking about my life, where I am at, and what the hell I am supposed to be doing! Well, when I realized just how bad some situations had gotten, I collapsed, I sat in the corner of my shower, water running down my back and I bawled, why? I DON’T KNOW! I wish I did, I do know, that I need to do ALL that is possible to change some situations in my life, but then, what is ‘ALL’, what can I do? I dunno, some know what I am on about, others have no clue, some I know are now intrigued, I dunno, two people I love A LOT know exactly what I am talking about, and they have told me, (in their eyes) The ONLY solution, so then, why does that solution not work in my eyes? Why does logically, it make sense, and yet, I can destroy it, overthink it and make it seem horrible? I dunno, I guess that tonight, after this whole week being so disastrous, from the train ride home after bible study, to me writing this now, tonight was my breakdown, I don’t do it often, but when I do, I break down majorly, I don’t think we have any hot water left, sorry sis!

I dunno, why does God allow so much too happen, and yet it seems, that even if I do rely totally on him, I still seem to fall lower? I dunno, I was talking about scientology with Mel in the car tonight, scientologists believe in re-incarnation right? So slowly they decrease in the ‘importance’ of the creature they come back as, eg, lion, then cat, then rat, then frog, ect, so then, what happens when you reach something like an ant or a tick? What is lower? The point of this is not the scientology religion, it’s more: Is there really a rock bottom? I mean I hear it ALL the time, “I have hit rock bottom” But, what is rock bottom? I don’t know exactly where it is, but according to definitions, I think I may be there!

So, that’s a horrible note, but that’s where I’m at, at the moment, Its not really a rut tho, I dunno wot it is, I guess that’s why I cannot heal, you cannot treat a disease when you do not know what it is! So, I guess I can’t dress a wound if I do not know what the wound is can I?

I dunno its depressing I know, but...

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Mistake? Why James?

OKAY THEN! Well I have to say I agree with Sarah in this! James being fired is the worst news in the world! I cannot believe this! I don’t c y!
James is NOT just a youth leader, his a really great guy and a really cool friend!

I have lived this once, for no *good* reason, the coolest youth leaders left, then, due to that, the awesome youth I loved left!, I dunno, I completely understand that James would want to leave, I mean his a GREAT youth leader, and if he cant do that at greensy then of course he should go elsewhere, doesn’t mean tho, that we wont miss him n Saz like CRAZY!

Sarah and I are alike, Where Saz n James go I will follow! I know, its bad to be a follower, but if you have good Shepard’s is it ok? Cause I think that Saz n James would be classed as good Sheppard’s! I too, will travel into the city every week, I don’t care! I luv them SOOOOO MUCH!

James and Sarah are just way too cool to loose, and I really don’t want to say anything against Greensborough, but to let James go is the BIGGEST mistake EVER! I dunno, I think that those two people are the BEST! And again, like Sarah, I think I would die without them!!!! Well, that’s prob a bit extreme, but anyhows, I know I would certainly shed A LOT of tears!

“Felt like they had died! that’s how broken i feel with out them...” quote from sarah’s blog! But it is so so so so so so so so true!!!!

I dunno, there isn’t much more to say but I DO think that this decision is so unjust, it makes absolutely no sense to me! James was the best youth leader EVER and just coz of his P.O.V?? I dunno, maybe there is more to the story, but either way!

Sarah, James, if your reading know that we ALL love you so so so much! That we would be lost without you! And even if you do leave the church we will still stalk you, lol you’re the coolest!
Luv you BOTH so much!


Sunday, September 03, 2006

Why and When

Short post...
How can I be the loudest person I know and yet still I sit in silence? I am ALWAYS asking if something is possible, but, is it possible to be so overwhelmed in life that we are speechless?

I dont know, i sat in bible study tonight, and it wasnt that i zoned out, because i was listening, i just lost my voice! I dont get it? When will i actually understand?

there are just to many "when's" and "Why's"