My breakdown

Long post...
Well, this has been the hardest week of my life, NO EXAGGERATIONS...including exams!

I did however, realise the effect some blogs can have on people, their thought, actions and feelings, and if misunderstood, or taken the wrong way can hurt people, so from now on I will be much more careful, and try to not mention names when describing a stick situation!

Have you ever just broken down? Well, when I feel I might, I walk, I put my music in, I walk, no matter what time and I walk, I have a really nice park near my house!

Anyhows, I just got back from a walk, Mel dropped me home bout 5:30, then I was online, and then I left, planning to do homework, but… too much on my mind to focus on Trig!

Well, I wrote a letter like three weeks ago, I sent it on Monday, maybe Tuesday, not sure. The day isn’t the point! Anys, I just told someone really amazing (not naming names) how I felt (NO NOT A LOVE LETTER), well, I was kinda anxious seeing this person today, but… once I had seen them, anxiety gone, instead ‘compassion’, I dunno, I felt happy being in their presence: (wow that sounded corny as!). I dunno, just wanted to let them know that, I may not say it that often, but you mean the world to me!
(They know who they are! *Note: If you’re reading this...I Love you!!!)

I really just don’t understand! I said in a blog a while back that Satan is too powerful, James told me to not credit so much to him, don’t take this as weird, but I had a REALLY hot and long shower, tried clear my mind, but yet I was thinking too much, has anyone ever told you something over and over again, every time you see them (which is often) and still you don’t believe them, you don’t take it in, but then, at the worst time possible you realise they are SO totally right??

Well, I had a long hot shower when I got home, and I was thinking, (That’s so not weird, some people sing, I think!) Anyhows, I was thinking about my life, where I am at, and what the hell I am supposed to be doing! Well, when I realized just how bad some situations had gotten, I collapsed, I sat in the corner of my shower, water running down my back and I bawled, why? I DON’T KNOW! I wish I did, I do know, that I need to do ALL that is possible to change some situations in my life, but then, what is ‘ALL’, what can I do? I dunno, some know what I am on about, others have no clue, some I know are now intrigued, I dunno, two people I love A LOT know exactly what I am talking about, and they have told me, (in their eyes) The ONLY solution, so then, why does that solution not work in my eyes? Why does logically, it make sense, and yet, I can destroy it, overthink it and make it seem horrible? I dunno, I guess that tonight, after this whole week being so disastrous, from the train ride home after bible study, to me writing this now, tonight was my breakdown, I don’t do it often, but when I do, I break down majorly, I don’t think we have any hot water left, sorry sis!

I dunno, why does God allow so much too happen, and yet it seems, that even if I do rely totally on him, I still seem to fall lower? I dunno, I was talking about scientology with Mel in the car tonight, scientologists believe in re-incarnation right? So slowly they decrease in the ‘importance’ of the creature they come back as, eg, lion, then cat, then rat, then frog, ect, so then, what happens when you reach something like an ant or a tick? What is lower? The point of this is not the scientology religion, it’s more: Is there really a rock bottom? I mean I hear it ALL the time, “I have hit rock bottom” But, what is rock bottom? I don’t know exactly where it is, but according to definitions, I think I may be there!

So, that’s a horrible note, but that’s where I’m at, at the moment, Its not really a rut tho, I dunno wot it is, I guess that’s why I cannot heal, you cannot treat a disease when you do not know what it is! So, I guess I can’t dress a wound if I do not know what the wound is can I?

I dunno its depressing I know, but...